Where to begin ? It was over 11 years ago that I found the Lord, but to be honest I’m still not sure if I found Him, or He found me. I think He had been wrestling with me for many years, or I with Him. Either way for all the things that one experiences in life, this one event has become my defining moment. It has indelibly changed all that I am, all that I think, all that I do and all that I believe.
The journey that’s followed, down the narrow path which leads to life has certainly been interesting. Many times I’ve cried like a baby, even weeping bitterly for the rottenness that at times seems to rule over me. Many times I have mourned with those who suffer loss and also mourn, groaned inwardly as I pray for His children that suffer persecutions, become infuriated with the blindness of this world, am angry and frustrated by the reluctance of Gods people to stand up, to serve, to love and be faithful. Then angry with myself for being so judgmental, so able to see the splinter in others eyes, whilst remaining blind to the log in my own.
I recall one evening being so angry with myself, so desperate to hear a word from God that I drove to the top of a near mountain and there poured out my anger, my frustration at my lack of what seemed to be any personal righteousness, and in the most wonderful of ways an answer that I believe came from the Lord. In a distant tone, as if to say you are distant from Me, I’m sure I heard the following words “you have no righteousness apart from Me”
At that time I took that word as both a rebuke and a comfort. A rebuke for having mistakenly supposed that I could offer God a self righteousness and expect Him to be pleased. To mistakenly believe that He would draw close to me as I went about my life being self righteous. Yet at the same time a comfort for knowing that I may have been distant at that time, but not separated, and I was by no means abandoned.
From that time on I am more aware that it’s the Lords desire to work righteousness in my inner man, to speak to me of those things which are a little less pleasant to hear, and in this, in bringing these things to the light they can be dealt with.
The rottenness that pervades this soul of mine does at times seem to have no end. Of late I realize that I am guilty of measuring out to others in a measure that I do not always apply to myself. In this world at this time, like Lot in Sodom, we can find our salvation in the condemnation of the sin that abounds in this world. One can in a sense be self justified, convinced of self righteousness for not having partaken these same things which the world does, and yet even this is foolishness.
I believe that the mistake we can make is this Christian, when we find our justification in separating from the world, in living a good life, of doing the Christian thing, it is entirely possible that we are doing nothing other than holding to a form of Godliness, as the scriptures speak in 2 Timothy 3. I’ve learned this much, God is not looking for a form of Godliness, a man who outwardly looks like a righteous man, who speaks of holiness yet inwardly is an unclean cup. And the reality is that each one of us come to Him in just this way.
We are incredibly complicated creatures and so very blind to truth of who we are. If we will not abide in the light of the faith, if we will not draw near to Him, if we will not be led down paths of righteousness by Him then quite simply, we do not have the ability to discern the thoughts and intents of the heart in our own strength nor deal with the darkness that dwells within. Our righteousness, our salvation and justification does not come except from Christ, only from the righteousness that is granted to us as we abide in the faith.
I take great comfort from the words of the apostle Paul, who spoke of how he too was seemingly frustrated with his own humanity ;
Rom 7:18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find.
Rom 7:19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.
and then
Rom 7:24 O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
Rom 7:25 I thank God–through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
Finally I would ask you to consider the words of our Lord, who in Matthew 7:2 said that in the day of judgement that many would come to Him saying Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy, did we not cast out devils in your name, and I will say to them DEPART FROM ME YOU WHO WORK INIQUITY. You who are EVILDOERS. You who work LAWLESSNESS. These ones clearly held to a form of Godliness, of religiosity that was completely devoid of the faith of Christ.
The day of the judgement will be like a great unmasking, things in that day will be seen clearly and understood for what they are. I pray that we would recognize that at this time, the age of Gods grace, that we have been granted the opportunity to put off the old man, the man of death, in which no good thing dwells, and put on Christ, that we may be found as the children of God.